Para confundir a la gente

I think I am exhausted with my life. I am so tired of missing the life I left back home. It is just emotionally draining to want to be with the people you love and still know I have a few weeks ahead of me before our sweet reunion. My heart is just worn-out from all of this missing people.

One of the best things that being abroad has done for me is make me think a lot about the life I lead, the habits I have, the people that matter in my life and how I behave. I guess being here has really made me think about the person I am and what value I have and what I value in my life, from people to hobbies to places. Sometimes I feel useless. This isn’t a cry for help by any means for those who read my blog (thank you for that by the way, it makes me feel loved) more just an outward reflection. I know I have tons of people in my life who care deeply but sometimes that feeling of being cared about feels so distant and almost unreal or transient. Sometimes it is hard to grasp that people really care about me. I often wonder if I never existed or worse off I died (God forbid) how life would be without me? Do I have a significant impact on people? Am I really needed? Or even wanted? It is a bit disheartening to think that the people you love could live without you, perhaps they could maybe just not well or perhaps they could do it just fine. I guess thinking about this just makes me call to question my value and what I mean to others. Being here without my band of close friends from Riverdale or my Midd kids, my boyfriend or my family and all the people in my life that make life so good the feeling of being needed has been harder to feel. It goes in and out. I suppose what helps me remember is how without the people that I have in my life, life would most certainly not be the same and I guess I just hope to be or that I am that for the people that are that for me. Who make the world brighter.

Another thought I have been having is about the person I’ve become, the person that I am and wondering whether or not this was the person I was meant to be and if I am living the life I want to. I guess sometimes I wonder is this the way life was suppose to turn out for me. Since I was little I’ve playing out my possible lives choosing this career, having this social circle, marrying this guy, living in that city and with all those possible lives is the one I’ve come to the life I want, have all the little and big decisions brought me to where I want to be or did I miss the boat on something? I just always wonder what if, or what else could be. I love my life, but is this the one I am suppose to lead or did I fall short of the right choice? I hate to be lame and use movie clichés, but like that movie “Sliding Doors” with Gwyneth Paltrow you just wonder if you’ve landed where you are supposed to be. When I land back in NYC, I’ll be landing where I was supposed to be.

I don’t know if I feel like I’ve accurately expressed some of the thoughts I have been having but I feel a little better putting it out there.

As usual I am at my internship and my boss is in China and my co-workers are busy working on a briefing and I have no tasks at hand. I wish they kept me busier. With the Hillary campaign I had to do 8 million tasks to do at once and now I wish I had one task to do at once, haha. Poor Hillary is having a rough couple of weeks, I want my girl to pull through, I really believe in her and her vision for America. It was crazy watching CNN live from Madrid when that “bomber” held hostages in the office I lived right near in Rochester NH. The “bomber” turned out to be a mentally ill man with flares duct taped to him but still it was pretty surreal at the potential threat. But yes, I miss the fast paced life of campaign work and am itching to return.

Thursday I leave to London to go see David Boyle. I emailed him a hefty list of sightseeing goals, I can’t wait. I am so excited to see Big Ben live and in action, the clock tower from Peter Pan, also palaces, museums and the like. I also of course can’t wait to see David, we just have such a good time together. I miss the mayoral campaign for Gifford Miller, we just had a ball. Well, I am going to read some more news and try to get them to give me work.

Hope everyone is well and enjoying the commencement of the holiday season. Madrid is absolutely beautiful with the lights, that is on my to do list, take pictures of the lovely holiday frosted Madrid.