Para confundir a la gente

I think I am exhausted with my life. I am so tired of missing the life I left back home. It is just emotionally draining to want to be with the people you love and still know I have a few weeks ahead of me before our sweet reunion. My heart is just worn-out from all of this missing people.

One of the best things that being abroad has done for me is make me think a lot about the life I lead, the habits I have, the people that matter in my life and how I behave. I guess being here has really made me think about the person I am and what value I have and what I value in my life, from people to hobbies to places. Sometimes I feel useless. This isn’t a cry for help by any means for those who read my blog (thank you for that by the way, it makes me feel loved) more just an outward reflection. I know I have tons of people in my life who care deeply but sometimes that feeling of being cared about feels so distant and almost unreal or transient. Sometimes it is hard to grasp that people really care about me. I often wonder if I never existed or worse off I died (God forbid) how life would be without me? Do I have a significant impact on people? Am I really needed? Or even wanted? It is a bit disheartening to think that the people you love could live without you, perhaps they could maybe just not well or perhaps they could do it just fine. I guess thinking about this just makes me call to question my value and what I mean to others. Being here without my band of close friends from Riverdale or my Midd kids, my boyfriend or my family and all the people in my life that make life so good the feeling of being needed has been harder to feel. It goes in and out. I suppose what helps me remember is how without the people that I have in my life, life would most certainly not be the same and I guess I just hope to be or that I am that for the people that are that for me. Who make the world brighter.

Another thought I have been having is about the person I’ve become, the person that I am and wondering whether or not this was the person I was meant to be and if I am living the life I want to. I guess sometimes I wonder is this the way life was suppose to turn out for me. Since I was little I’ve playing out my possible lives choosing this career, having this social circle, marrying this guy, living in that city and with all those possible lives is the one I’ve come to the life I want, have all the little and big decisions brought me to where I want to be or did I miss the boat on something? I just always wonder what if, or what else could be. I love my life, but is this the one I am suppose to lead or did I fall short of the right choice? I hate to be lame and use movie clichés, but like that movie “Sliding Doors” with Gwyneth Paltrow you just wonder if you’ve landed where you are supposed to be. When I land back in NYC, I’ll be landing where I was supposed to be.

I don’t know if I feel like I’ve accurately expressed some of the thoughts I have been having but I feel a little better putting it out there.

As usual I am at my internship and my boss is in China and my co-workers are busy working on a briefing and I have no tasks at hand. I wish they kept me busier. With the Hillary campaign I had to do 8 million tasks to do at once and now I wish I had one task to do at once, haha. Poor Hillary is having a rough couple of weeks, I want my girl to pull through, I really believe in her and her vision for America. It was crazy watching CNN live from Madrid when that “bomber” held hostages in the office I lived right near in Rochester NH. The “bomber” turned out to be a mentally ill man with flares duct taped to him but still it was pretty surreal at the potential threat. But yes, I miss the fast paced life of campaign work and am itching to return.

Thursday I leave to London to go see David Boyle. I emailed him a hefty list of sightseeing goals, I can’t wait. I am so excited to see Big Ben live and in action, the clock tower from Peter Pan, also palaces, museums and the like. I also of course can’t wait to see David, we just have such a good time together. I miss the mayoral campaign for Gifford Miller, we just had a ball. Well, I am going to read some more news and try to get them to give me work.

Hope everyone is well and enjoying the commencement of the holiday season. Madrid is absolutely beautiful with the lights, that is on my to do list, take pictures of the lovely holiday frosted Madrid.

¡Tengo hambre!

It has been a while since I've written and I am sorry about that but I've finally got rather busy with my life here in Madrid. As you all know my wonderful boyfriend came to visit me in Spain for 10 days so I basically was MIA for that entire time. Now that I've resurfaced I thought I'd write a bit about what I was up to and what is ahead for me in the next couple of days/weeks.

Jason's visit was lovely, it was his first time to Europe so getting to see him experience how part of the other side of the Atlantic lives was fun. He told me that on his flight back to the US he realized he'd miss Spain so I take that as an indicator that he enjoyed the country. It was nice to get to show him around my pseudo home, be his own personal tour guide. I think he was museumed out by the time he left Spain, he has probably seen every major influential artist there is to see with all the famous museums here.

We also took a lovely trip to Barcelona for this 23rd birthday. Barcelona is awesome, the layout of the ocean, then the city and then the mountains is ideal, you have everything you could want. We did a lot of sightseeing there saw the famous works of Antonio Gaudi and saw some typical Spanish flamenco among other touristy activities. It was a great trip. Lots of sangria, gelato and American food. Jason wasn't always so keen on Spanish food which is understandable, one can only eat so much jamon (ham). But yes, his visit was exactly what I needed, one of my best friends in Spain to just have the best time with. It just feels splendid to be in such good company.

Anyway, I am at my internship and I should get back to work but this is really the only time I have to write this entry. But better than my brief overview of his trip here are some photos from it. Please let me know if these links work.

http://middlebury.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2025590&l=41477&id=4403155

http://middlebury.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2025594&l=17934&id=4403155

And here are some pictures from my trip to Portugal the other weekend...

http://middlebury.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2025587&l=8b644&id=4403155

Tonight I have a huge Thanksgiving dinner to go to. Two of my best friends Shriti and Juana are coming for a long weekend from France and Italy to spend Thanksgiving with me and visit Madrid. I am so excited for their visit. Horchata is making a traditional Thanksgiving dinner with turkey and all the trimmings, can't wait, yum!

My one job was to make a homemade pumpkin pie and all would have been wonderful but Spain hasn't reached the kitchen technological level of the US and they don't use blenders so I had to bake the pumpkin and liquefy it by beating it with a whisk, talk about a workout. I am a little nervous about the texture but hopefully the taste will make up for some unavoidable lumps. Also I had to make my own crust because the idea of ready made crust is lost on the Spaniards.

In the next couple of weeks I have a lot of work piling on from my classes, essays to write so next weekend I will probably spend a fair amount of time trying to get work done before Christmas. Then the following weekend I am off to London to visit a former co-worker from my NYC mayoral campaign and his fiance. I can't wait for that, I love David Boyle. And then the following weekend I am meeting up with Shirti and Juana in Athens for a rendezvous, what a life. And by then it will be time to go home for Christmas. I come home December 21st so get ready. And I'll be home until January 5th, sadly just missing the New Hampshire primaries on January 8th. ARGH!

Anyway, they finally found work for me so I am off.

Happy Thanksgiving!

¿Tienes grapadora?

A quick entry before I write a briefing on the elections in Guatemala for my internship. Yesterday I got back from my trip to Portugal 3 hours later than expected. I guess my Spanish bus driver needed to take plenty of breaks on our way back, it was fine. I had my iPod for most of the trip to entertain me until it sadly ran out of batteries and then some good naps. The weekend trip to Lisbon was lovely, lots of churches, cathedrals and castles. I will post pictures and more about the trip later. I have a busy week ahead of me.

In the next two days I have to create a powerpoint on the city where my college is, read about 50 pages to answer 13 questions, write a 2-3 page essay telling the story of a cartoon we were given and do some grammar worksheets. Very doable but I don’t have very much time. Today between my internship and watching Mila I am going to work like a busy bee, then after I come home from watching Mila more work. Pretty much the same deal for tomorrow except it will be work between internship and class and then after class. I have this intense seminar, or what I am making out to be intense seminar, it is 3 days long and it counts towards 50% of one of my mind grades. I suppose I make it sound intense because I have the powerpoint and questions to hand in before the class, and then on the third day of class I take the final and then there is my grade, so much riding on such a short time. It will all get done. I just feel like I have a lot these next couple of days.

Then after I have to meet with a professor from Middlebury about my parallel project, this 20 research paper I am suppose to do in reference to my internship, like the written part of my work to get credit for this internship in the next day or two. I also need to book my family’s trip to Italy, that will be a lot of fun but later in the week. Then a couple of other errands but nothing to colossal. Anyway, I must get to doing work work but I just thought I’d drop in and say hello. So I owe you a most substantial post about Portugal.

Also Jason comes Friday! Can’t wait!

Lastly, if you are bored and like old Spanish ladies, this is a great article in the NY Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/reuters/world/lifestyle-spain-cybergranny.html

It is an article about a 95 Spaniard who writes a blog and it is really lovely, it is in Spanish but enjoy it.

Her blog address is: http://amis95.blogspot.com/

She is pretty funny, worth checking out, obviously if you speak Spanish.

He peaces out

So much to write and I am leaving to Portugal in about 2 hours. I just wanted to do a recap of my life in the past couple of days. I am finally starting to really love Spain and feel relaxed about my life here. Finally. It feels nice that when people ask me how I am now I can now say really good as opposed to fine or homesick or having a tough time. I mean I still get homesick but not in an extremely painful way like at first, I get homesick because I look forward to going back to the life I love but I am content here.

A lot of it has to do with my boyfriend's visit, it just puts me at ease, like the person I love so much is going to be with me in Spain, I will be able to relax and really enjoy life. 8 days until he comes! I also got the entire time he is here off from my internship and my babysitting job which means I just have to go to a few classes and the rest of time I can soak up his company and watch Grey's Anatomy! YES! I have the best boyfriend, he has Tivoed every episode for me since I've been gone.

But yes, all continues to go well. My internship is wonderful, my co-workers are so awesome. We went out to lunch again, I love to just hear them gossip about work and other co-workers and just spending time with them is always a good time, they are all so funny. I am so glad I got to do this internship, they make me love Spaniards and their humor.

Classes are good, still easy but the shit is about to hit the fan. We don't have a lot of work during the semester but like big papers and final exams at the end of the semester but with all these visits and trips I am taking it is going to pile on. But it will all get done, or at least that is what I tell myself. No, it will.

I met the Zapatero Monday, he was walking around our building viewing an exposition of the 25th anniversary of the PSOE and he was within arms length of me. My co-worker offered for me to take a picture with him but I was too afraid because I was star struck, it was the prime minister of Spain, it was too much for me. Next time, but it was still very cool.

Anyway, I need to wrap up a couple loose ends before I go to Portugal, leaving on a bus tonight at 11PM. Oh yes, I am going to Portugal for a long weekend with Horchata. It is yet another holiday in Spain (because they don't like to do work in Spain, haha) so we decided to seize the day and go to Lisbon. I can't wait, I've never been and it is supposed to be beautiful. I will return Sunday with tons of stories and pictures. But until then have a good next couple of days!

Dreaming

Perhaps I will find some solace in writing about how homesick I am. Only as I type out that sentence my eyes begin to swell up with tears so it is probably not working. Being abroad is hard, I left behind a life that I really love and each day that I am away from it it gets harder and harder.

I wanted my year abroad to be so spectacular and glamorous but as the days go by I miss home more and more. I am lucky that it isn't the place that I hate being in but rather what I hate is being away from the people I love. Whoever came up with the saying "There's no place like home" perhaps popularly known from the Wizard of Oz hit the nail on the head. I say this all the time but I can travel to the most amazing places in the world but it will pale in comparison to being with the people that I love.

I am just having a really hard time being away from those people and I find myself constantly counting down the days until my boyfriend visits, until I go home for Christmas and until my mom and sister come here and a big part of me feels sad that what I look forward to has nothing to do with Spain. I do suppose though that in terms of people visiting me here the reason I look forward to it is because I will finally be able to really enjoy Spain because I won't have to feel lonely or unwanted.

I mean I know I'll be more than fine, I am only here until the first week in February and I go home for Christmas in between it is just sometimes I feel so suffocated by how homesick I am, like my heart is broken from leaving my life back home and starting a new one here.

And it is strange because I am usually so good at adjusting and being away from home. I went to the Dominican Republic for months, Florida, New Hampshire and I was fine. But here, being across the Atlantic sans friends and family is painfully hard.

I try to seize the day, make the most of it and I do but there is still that voice in my head saying "What are you doing Antoinette? Why aren't you home? You know you are miserable". I just feel like my life consists of finding distractions that granted I so enjoy but are in the end are just distractions.

Sigh, maybe writing wasn't such a good idea, I feel a little worse but at least I got to say it to someone other than in my own head.

Like a river bends

Since I've been here which has been a little over a month. I've noticed that Spain is so infused with American culture. I can't walk more than a block without seeing some American fast food from finger lickin' good KFC to trendy Starbucks, Dunkin' Donuts or the classic mark of globalization McDonalds. As I am walking down those same streets, every few hundred feet I hear the latest American pop music blasting from various stores, Beyonce, Eminem, Akon you name it and they are desperately listening to it.

I pass by high schools in the afternoon with young Spanish teens pouring out of them and the hoards of kids wear everything from Hilfiger to Ralph Lauren clutching folders of High School Musical plastered with pictures of the American teenage heartthrob Zac Efron. A friend a mine lives with a host family and the kids know every single lyric and dance from that movie, an American movie. I continue on my stroll throughout Madrid and I look at all the new films playing or coming soon, and all the large and highly advertised movies are Americans ones conveniently dubbed for your Spanish viewing pleasure.

Wandering through the streets, I see newsstand after newsstand with a vast majority of the magazine from the states, don’t worry if you can’t live without your Vogue you can get every girly magazine from Cosmopolitan to Marie Claire. After I've had my fill of walking, I hop on the Metro, while waiting for the train I read the advertisements that overwhelm the underground tunnel. I see an ad for Sketchers with Ashlee Simpson, and I laugh. What is Ashlee Simpson doing in the metro of Madrid, and in Spanish no less, I’d be surprise if she knew how to say sneaker in Spanish. The train arrives, I get on and immediately in front of me I see their version of "poetry in motion" and there is an ode to New York with a nice drawing of the Empire State building.

My stop is up I get off the train and walk the couple of blocks to my apartment. On my street to the left of me is Plaza Mayor, the most famous plaza in Spain. I peer over my shoulder and see tents set up in the plaza for some sort of exhibition so out of curiosity I check it out. It seems like a big ordeal. I near closer and I read the logo on the tents "Viva America" it reads, a celebration for my lovely homeland.

It is as if America is everywhere is Spain, they even have a highly populated chain called "VIPS" which we all know stands for "very important person/people" those very important people being Americans. VIPS specializes in making all our delicacies, the all American hamburger, cheeseburger or Texas burger, you can't forget Texas. Not only to they make all the typical America food you miss to eat right there on the spot but they also sell for your enjoyment American products, miss marshmallows or peanut? Well lucky for you, VIPS has whatever typical Spanish stores don't. Not to mention that VIPS isn't the only chain that serves as a beacon for Americanizing your stay in Spain. Spain even has its very own Dean and Deluca, however it is differently named, Hespen and Suarez they call it, so as to mask their American imitation but not too much so that you can distinguish it from sight. The metal shelving, the pristine organization, the ambience, the logo font and the reasonable prices for “gourmet” food, 9 euros (about $12.50) for a bottle of ranch dressing, of course that's reasonable.

American culture is everywhere from the stationary shops fully equipped with Disney princess notebooks, folders, school supplies galore to the availability of coca-cola and sprite at every restaurant, bodega, and grocery store. I know that I live in the largest city in Spain so perhaps that is why America has such a huge influence on the city but it quite baffling. I thought Europe was to have this unique flair, this separation from the West, except I encounter it where ever I go. For all that Europe hates us, they seem to be loving or at the very least doing fine with having a lot of our culture infused into their daily lives like it or not.

I was thinking, I bet if you ask a Spaniard who the president of America is, they more often then not would be able to tell you Bush. If you asked an American who the prime minister of Spain was, I'd highly doubt, unless they were really into politics (but even then) that they'd be hard pressed to say Zapatero. And I don't think that is the stereotypical American stupidity, I think it is the disinterest because in world politics Spain isn't so essential, so important. Perhaps it might be ignorant of an Americans, but of course you’d know who Bush is, America runs the world. Ouch. You might say that is me being too elitist, too harsh but we dominate the global political scene that is pretty hard to deny.

Please don't take this as me not liking Spain because I love it or me thinking Spain is just like America, because I know it isn’t, it has many tons of aspects that are very different. America is such a young country, it is couple hundred years old but Spain has centuries of culture and lifestyle that is so rich is hard to beat. Spain is absolutely beautiful and unique it its own right. But I am just constantly surrounded by American culture all the way across the Atlantic and I had to share my observations of what’s around me.

I will end with my trip to Avila, the walled city about an hour and a half outside of the city of Madrid. It is a relatively small city but it is home to one of the oldest European defense walls dating back to the 11th and 12th centuries. It was a lovely day trip that Horchata and I took to escape for the bustling city for a day. Here are a couple of pictures.


A mural made entirely out of carnations of Saint Teresa


Saint Teresa Church, built upon the spot where she was born


The walls the surrond the city of Avila


A view of the city from on top of the walls, it was super cool you can walk on the walls and see everything as this picture shows you


Another pretty view from atop the walls

And all the roads we have to walk are winding

The pier at Marbella, on a clear day you can see Africa


Horchata and I at our very own bar!


The beautiful streets of Marbella

Apparently I have a hair salon in Marbella, who knew?

The beautiful sunset at the beach

More pictures of the breathtaking view

One more

So here are the photos from my lovely vacation to Marbella. I would write more but I am not in the best mood to write a long blog post. I've been feeling really homesick recently and so it has made it quite difficult to enjoy myself here. I just am having trouble being away from the life that I love so much. Sigh. But all continues to go well, Madrid is still a great city, classes and my internship are going well. Actually, my internship is great, the people I work with are so fun. But, that's all for now.